Relapse

[zackdude]

Thank you for your insight. What gets me in that state at work is life. I work 11pm 730am. I help care for my girlfriend's 2yr old, have probation, meetings, group for probation and life during the day. My shift is my shift. I have tried to change it at work but to no avail. I was in federal prison for six years for bank robbery. I have a lot of people to keep happy. I can't work in my old profession and frankly can't afford to lose my job and keep being turned down for anything better. I also have a child on the way and try to make the appointments associated with that it is a high risk pregnancy my gf is 40. Some days I'm lucky to get 3hrs of sleep. Two times that night I caught myself 40ft in the air not hooked up to my harness. I didn't even think twice when it was offered I just took it. Relapse wasn't on my mind falling and not killing myself was. It did make me feel a bit jittery and I couldn't sleep much after I got home. That is what brought up the guilt. I go mostly to na in my area and it seems to be a giant gossip fest, fashion show, and clicks. I go to AA sometimes and it's totally different but my issues were mainly opiates and so I have a hard time getting people to relate to me there. When I felt the way it made me feel I felt terrible. I still do. I don't have a sponsor I can't get the guy to call me back. He used me when I got out for work treated me like **** and had a child molester working for him and living with him and I called him on the ****. I told him if I saw the guy around kids at anybody's home I would tell them and the sheriff's office. I had that stuff happen to me and I wasn't going to sit by silent. Since then life hasn't stopped happening. My gf got pregnant we went through hell about that. I have a very hard time trusting anybody. I have a lot people don't know. And when I have told people I've been judged. I'm a convicted bank robber 6 time felon really on his last chance. I always tell my girl I'm not going back and I mean it. It's not a reservation it's just the truth. Suicide by cop is better than the places I have been. With all that out of the way there was no I'll intent when I took it just to wake up. But I did not like that I did like the way it made me feel.