Links

Join

Forums

Find Help

Recovery Readings

Spiritual Meditations

Chat

Contact


Go Back   Bluidkiti's Alcohol and Drug Addictions Recovery Help/Support Forums > Alcohol, Drugs and Other Addictions Recovery > Alcohol, Drugs and Other Addictions Recovery > Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts
Register FAQ Community Calendar Arcade Today's Posts Search Chat Room

Share This Forum!  
 
        

Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts This forum is for families and friends whose lives have been affected by someone else's drinking and/or drug abuse.

 
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Prev Previous Post   Next Post Next
Old 09-28-2013, 11:27 PM   #1
krafty
Member
 

Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 83
Default Detachment with love gains new meaning

One of the great gifts of the recovery movement is the concept of detachment with love.
Originally conceived as a way to relate to an alcoholic family member, detachment with
love is actually a tool that we can apply with anyone.

Al-Anon, a mutual-help group for people with alcoholic friends or family members, pioneered the idea of detachment with love. A core principle of Al-Anon is that alcoholics cannot learn from their mistakes if they are overprotected.

That word "overprotected" has many meanings. For example, it means calling in sick for your husband if he is too drunk to show up for work. Overprotecting also means telling children that mommy didn't show up for the school play because she had to work late, when the truth is that she was at a bar until midnight.

We used to call such actions "enabling," because they enabled alcoholics to continue drinking. Today we use the word "adapting," which is less blaming.

Originally, detachment with love was a call for family members to stop adapting. But as Al-Anon grew, people misunderstood detachment with love as a way to scare alcoholics into changing. Such as, "If you don't go to treatment, I'll leave you!" Such threats were a gamble that fear could force an alcoholic into seeking help.

For years the concept of detachment with love got stuck there. In fact, people still call and ask, " If the person I love continues to drink or use other drugs, should I leave?"

My response is to ask family members to consider a deeper meaning of detachment with love. This meaning centers on new questions: What are your needs beyond the needs of the alcoholic or addict? How can you take care of yourself even if the person you love chooses not to get help?

Detachment with love means caring enough about others to allow them to learn from their mistakes. It also means being responsible for our own welfare and making decisions without ulterior motives-the desire to control others.

Ultimately we are powerless to control others anyway. Most family members of an addicted person have been trying to change that person for a long time, and it hasn't worked. We are involved with other people but we don't control them. We simply can't stop people from doing things if they choose to continue.

Understood this way, detachment with love plants the seeds of recovery. When we refuse to take responsibility for other people's alcohol or drug use, we allow them to face the natural consequences of their behavior. If a child asks why mommy missed the school play, we do not have to lie. Instead, we can say, "I don't know why she wasn't here. You'll have to ask her."

Perhaps the essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety. When we threaten to leave someone, we're usually tuned in to someone else's feelings. We operate on raw emotion. We say things for shock value. Our words arise from blind reaction, not thoughtful choice.

Detachment with love offers another option -- responding to others based on thought rather than anxiety. For instance, as parents we set limits for our children even when this angers them. We choose what we think is best over the long term, looking past the children's immediate emotional reaction.

In this sense, detachment with love can apply whenever we have an emotional attachment to someone-family or friend, addicted or sober. The key is to stop being responsible for others and be responsible to them-and to ourselves.
Hazelden
Attached Images
File Type: jpg shine.jpg (15.6 KB, 6 views)
krafty is offline   Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to krafty For Sharing:
Sponsored Links
Post New ThreadReply  

Bookmarks


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Detachment MajestyJo Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts 5 12-21-2013 12:44 AM
Thats What Love is For - Amy Grant janbear Videos and Music 0 09-18-2013 10:56 AM
Detachment. How Can I? krafty Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts 0 09-13-2013 10:20 AM
What is detachment? bluidkiti Family and Friends of Alcoholics and Addicts 0 08-29-2013 10:53 AM
I Will Always Love You bluidkiti Videos and Music 0 08-13-2013 08:42 AM


Click here to make a Donation

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:29 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.11
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions Inc.