Role Playing

[MajestyJo]

When I look back on my life, I find it disturbing that I never knew that it was okay to be me. I was always what I thought you wanted me to be or I was who I was told I should be and when I wasn't I was riddled with guilt.

So many times I was either forced into a mold or someone wanted to mold me as they thought I should be. I asked a friend one time, "I wonder how many mold he made?" I asked this about an ex-boyfriend. My friend replied, "He probably run out of clay."

I looked to others for validation, affirmation, and love. As the song says, "Looking for love in all the wrong places." What I couldn't find within me, I look for in you." Ironically, I didn't know that I had to look within. The thought of looking at me wasn't an option that I thought I had. I had been put down for so many years by so many people in so many ways, I thought I was a useless, unlovable being. When I came into recovery, I was so glad to hear, "God didn't make no junk!"

This is how a good little girl should act. This is how a parent, a sister, a wife, a lover, a friend should act. This is how a good little Christian girl should act! I feared I was d**ned to hell forever. If I was going to get hung as a lamb, I might as well go out as a sheep. Which I proceeded to do, I followed many people into a whole lot of trouble.

I am so glad that in today, I don't have to play a role. I no longer have to play other people's games. I no longer want to play games. Life isn't a game. I want to live in the real world.

Not very good at the 'not beating myself up' although it is getting better. Most times it is a mental thing, when I make a mistake at bridge or make an error when posting. For years I had a motto, "I can't stand stupidity, especially in myself." It sometimes leaks into today. Although, in today, I prefer, just because I make a silly mistake doesn't mean I am one. I am much quicker at forgiving myself for having made them.

Again, it is the Ms. Perfection who is trying to control her life. Perfection is part of my disease, not my recovery.