Staying Out of the Middle

[MajestyJo]

Step from the middle, and what do I see?
A person who desperately wants to be free
Of expectations high; identity questioned;
Possibly die
From struggling, from fighting; at what price the cost?
To fragile heart, mind or sould to be lost.

Whe do I turn to, and what can I lose?
If I stand up for me and freedom I choose.
I'm d**ned if I do, yet d**ned if I don't
Hold together a family who can't, or just won't
Understand all the fear, the anger and pain
Of being pulled back into the middle again.

Is there a way I could just step aside,
And leave the solutions on others to ride?
Or is it time to claim what is mine
To search deep inside me, and triumphantly find
The person once me; full of high hopes and dreams
That forever were lost int he middle, it seems.

Deep down in the depths of my hart do I see
A glimpse of a woman, courageous and free
Whose first step to freedom; as difficult may be
Is to step from the middle, and declare,
Look at me.
This is my life; I own it, why can't you see?
That it's time, that I live it; and I live it for me.

- By Lois Stargratt

Love this lady's work, perhaps because a lot of my life was made up of mixed message and I lived other people's dictates, and lived my life through others, instead of being me. When I came into recovery, I didn't know who I was. I was the sum of the parts of others, every time I picked up, be it alcohol, pills, food or men, I lost a piece of me and there wasn't much 'me' left when I found the program. I was told it was no longer the Codependent, Caretaker, People Pleaser, and all those rules and regulations projected onto me were more abusive than helpful.

I identified so much with ACoA that I was glad that I had gone to AA first, because I would have continued playing the blame game and died.