Funny Musings

[bluidkiti]

Funny Musings

My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.

I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"

My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."

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When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

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Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."

Me: "I'd rather not. I kinda want this job."

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Cop: "Please step out of the car."

Me: "I'm too drunk. You get in."

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I think I can faintly remember that there was a day when I was able to get up without making sound effects.

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Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

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When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say 'nothing,' it doesn't mean that I am free, it means I am doing nothing.

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When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

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When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

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I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

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It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

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That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

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The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

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My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.