CODEPENDANCY

[MajestyJo]

This is a page of the Joy2MeU web site of codependency therapist / inner child healing pioneer / Spiritual teacher Robert Burney - who is the author of the inspirational life changing book of Spirituality: Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls.


Prayer for Codependents
God,
Grant me the serenity to accept the people I can not change,
The courage to change the person I can,
And the wisdom to know that is ME!
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The Personal Bill of Rights

1. Life should have choices beyond mere survival.

2. You have the right to say no to anything when you feel you are not ready or it is not safe.

3. Life should not be motivated by fear.

4. You have a right to all of your feelings.

5. You are probably not guilty.

6. You have a right to make mistakes.

7. There is no need to smile when you cry.

8. You have a right to terminate conversations with people who make you feel put down or humiliated.

9. You can be healthier than those around you.

10. It is OK to be relaxed, playful, and frivolous.

11. You have a right to change and grow.

12. It is important to set limits and be selfish.

13. You can be angry at someone you love.

14. You can take care of yourself, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Original Source Unknown
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Characteristics of Adults Shamed in Childhood

Adults Shamed in Childhood . . . .
1. . . . are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.

2. . . . may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment, and feelings of inferiority to others.

3. . . . fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships.

4. . . . may appear either grandiose and self-centered, or seem selfless.

5. . . . feel that "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference: I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. . . . frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They may suffer severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. . . . frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. . . . may apologize constantly and assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. . . . often feel like outsiders and have a pervasive feeling of loneliness, even when surrounded by those who love and care for them.

10. . . . project their beliefs about themselves onto others, frequently engaging in "mind-reading" and constantly feeling judged by others.

11. . . . . often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves.

12. . . . often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect, and may be overly focused on make-up or clothing as a way of hiding perceived flaws in self.

13. . . . often feel controlled from the outside as well as within; normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. . . . often suffer from performance anxiety and procrastination and depression.

15. . . . often lie to themselves and others.

16. . . . frequently block feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list making or gambling.

17. . . . often have caseloads rather than friendships.

18. . . . often have little sense of emotional boundaries and feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing, or isolation.

Original Source Unknown

[MajestyJo]

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Difficulty having fun.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships.

Belief that others cause or are responsible for the
codependent's emotions.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.)

Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you?

Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm

[MajestyJo]

Found on Circle for Recovery - original source unknown:

Co-dependency victimizes self by sacrifices to others.

As it is basically a self worthiness issue, so it also began when first criticized as a child.

The child learned that it was not 'good' enough to be loved per say and identified love/non-love with approval/disapproval.

Approval/disapproval is conditional love, where we suffer from the conditions.

Seeking always love 'outside self' from approval of others, victimises self and cause us sacrifice.

Self-Love arises from within self-Acceptance

Sacrifice denies self worth and aspects of self now secretly judged, are denied love.

Sacrifice could be said to be an addiction.

Self acceptance to achieve a sense of worthiness, is the healing and why the 12 steps can be applied.

The various ways to achieve self acceptance grants back to self, the power we give away playing victim.

Greatest power is granted in the higher Power, potentially equal in all.

[MajestyJo]

Had the thought, detaching from others and isolating doesn't stop you from being codependent!

Found this interesting. I qualify.

http://www.way2hope.org/codependency...definition.htm

Had a friend in NA who didn't believe in Codependency. She said that as addicts we are dependent on our drug of choice. Some people are addicted to people, places, and things. Again, the substance, is but a symptom of our disease.

Ordered the book "Finding Your Way Home" by Melody Beattie and I had to return it because the print was too small. I had it out of the library years ago, and it was fantastic but I wasn't able to read that much then, aI started at the beginning and re-read it over and over; so had to take it back and never got it finished. I am thinking now of ordering it again and using a magnifying glass to read it.

My book Codependent No More has long gone, don't remember who I loaned it to. I also had Beyond Codependency too and I no longer have it. I do have a copy of The Language of Letting Go. It has been a long-time favourite.

Looking for others to do it for us and/or turning it over to God and not willing to do the foot work for ourselves.

[MajestyJo]

This is something I often forget that it is a big part of my life, past and present, and I think I need to focus on this in today.

[MajestyJo]

The Definition of Co-Dependency

Co-dependency is a term being used with increasing frequency in the field of chemical dependency treatment. Unfortunately, no clear definition of the term has emerged, which has led to confusion and loss of credibility. Frequently, the term has replaced the phrase "significant other" in Alcohol and other Drug Abuse counseling and treatment and means very little except that the person has been exposed to another's alcohol or drug abuse or dependence. It is generally agreed that a co-dependent is someone whose life has been significantly affected by another person's use of alcohol or mood-altering chemicals. It is the belief of my learned colleagues that if co-dependency is to have value as a concept, it must be limited to those individuals who develop a series of generally predictable and problematic responses from that exposure.

Co-dependency has been defined as a pattern of beliefs about life, learned behavior, and habitual feelings that make life painful. The external locus of control of the codependent person that makes the co-dependent rely on things outside of themselves for self-worth. Another definition is co-dependency is a dyfunctional pattern of living and problem solving which is nurtured by a set of rules within the family system. A more limited term, "co-alcoholic" has been defined as a ill pattern of health, maladaptive or problematic behavior that is associated with living, working with or otherwise being close to an alcoholic. Some would say co-alcoholics are adults who help maintain the social and economic equilrium if the alcoholic/addict. Children who grow up in a family with the alcohol syndrome and learn behavior from both the alcoholic and the co-alcoholic parent. It is suggested that co-dependency is one of a newly perceived class of problems that is simultaneously both interactive and intrapsychic in nature.
The effects of living in an alcoholic/addict or similar environment are so strong that an individual may be affected at any stage of life. Thus, children of alcoholics, adult children of alcoholics and adult spouses of alcoholics all can suffer serious damage to their sense of reality, ability to trust, self-image, etc. Furthermore, this damage does not necessarily diminish when the immediate source of tension is removed. Co-dependents may continue to suffer serious consequences for years after their initial exposure, leading generally joyless, loveless and mindless "existences"

A co-dependent is an individual who has been significantly affected in specific ways by current or past involvement in alcoholic, chemically dependent, or other long-term, stressful family environment. Specific effects include: fear (b) shame/guilt (c) prolonged despair, (d)anger, (e)denial, (f) impaired identity development, and (g) confusion.

The addiction process is an unhealthy and abnormal disease process whose assumptions, beliefs, and lack of spiritual awareness lead to a process of nonliving which is progressive......

CHARACTERISTICS OF CO-DEPENDENT

1. My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you and receiving approval from you.

2. Your struggles affect my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems or relieving your pain.

3. My attention is focused on pleasing you, protecting you, manipulating you to "do it my way".

4. My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems and relieving your pain.

5. My own hobbies and interests are put aside. My time is spent sharing your interests and hobbies.

6. Because I feel you are a reflection of me, your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires.

7. Your behavior is dictated by my desires.

8. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. I am not aware of what I want. I ask you what you want. If I am not aware of some thing, I assume.

9. The dreams I have for my future are linked to you.

10. My fear of your anger and rejection determine what I say or do. In our relationship, I use giving as a way of feeling safe.

If this is your M.O. Do you want to change?
Do you want to stop. Do you want to live?