Dr. Twerski's Sober Thought - March

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March 1

Avoiding Setbacks

The recovery program always serves a purpose. There is growth in sobriety, and working the Steps in the program provides such growth. There is also a fairly constant force that threatens to pull us down. Sometimes we reach a point where we remain stationary. At such times, danger of slipping increases, because we temporarily do not sense upward momentum. People become lax in working the recovery program when they feel they are not getting much out of it. But they are making a serious mistake. When we think we are not adding much to our development, the program serves the vital function of preventing a rollback.

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March 2

Guidance is Essential

A woman being discharged from treatment was frightened about going home. That was a positive sign, because it is when we are overconfident that we get into trouble. I have a daughter who is 17, and it's frightening that I have to function as her mother, although I am about at her emotional age. With proper help, such as working the Steps and competent counseling, the gap can be closed more quickly. Early in sobriety we operate at a level of maturity behind our chronological age. This is why it is vitally important we take guidance from people who are emotionally more mature.

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March 3

All Drugs Can Be Destructive

Bob was brought to our psychiatric unit in a catatonic state, mute and immobile. The following day two people from NA came to my office and said, Don't give him the medication for schizophrenics. Keep him here where he'll be safe. He'll get better, and we'll take him to a meeting every day. I don't know why I let myself be talked into this, but I did not give Bob medications. Bob not only improved, but has been normal for ten years. Sometimes it is wise to allow the brain to regain normal function after the devastating effect of the chemicals to which it had been subjected.

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March 4

The Importance of Your Sponsor

Our minds can play tricks. We need someone who can help us see things the way they really are. A sponsor is an ideal person to do this. Sponsors usually do not have the biases or personal involvement that distort our thinking, and can be more objective. Sometimes people have difficulties because their sponsors say things they do not want to hear. That is the best indication you have the right person as sponsor. Hearing nice things about yourself does nothing to make you get better. If you feel upset and angry because your sponsor has chastised you, call him or her and say thank you.

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March 5

We Are Responsible for Our Recovery

For the addict, something happens within the body that results in the specific symptoms of each disease. While we don't know all the causes, we do know there are genetic and biochemical factors over which people have no control. Just as we do not think of the diabetic as responsible for her disease, neither should we hold the addict responsible for the abnormality that results in reaction to these chemicals. However, just as diabetics must be responsible for taking their insulin or any other treatment, so addicts must be responsible for their treatment, including abstinence.

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March 6

There Are Things We Cannot Understand

Suffering should not be interpreted as having been abandoned by God. A child who had undergone open-heart surgery was given a painful procedure and screamed. The father knew the procedure was necessary for his child's health, and he suffered along with the child. Like a child, we may not be able to understand how the adversities we experience could be to our ultimate benefit. While we cannot change many things, and must turn to a Higher Power, we should have the security that comes with knowing that the Higher Power does not abandon us. When we suffer, He suffers with us.

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March 7

Learning From Adversity

John had been sober for 32 years, and had outlived all his sponsors. He admitted he felt himself close to relapse. John was surprised to hear that what was happening to him was beneficial. He dealt with his crisis by increasing the frequency of meetings and doing things a newcomer is advised to do. He later confided that his sobriety had taken on a new quality after this episode. When difficult days occur to people who have had years of abstinence, there is no reason to panic. These may be episodes of rejuvenation, which stimulate growth in sobriety and increase one's effectiveness in helping others.

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March 8

Anger

A man was so angry that others were afraid of him. In privacy, I said, It's okay to cry when you're hurt. He promptly broke down in uncontrollable sobbing. This man had converted pain to anger. Whether we feel angry toward others or we think others feel angry toward us, we should ask ourselves: Is this anger legitimate, or is it a result of another feeling that is being denied? If someone seems hostile, we should consider the possibility the anger is not directed toward us, and avoid reacting defensively. If we feel angry toward another, we should realize this anger might be unjust, and learn to acknowledge our true feelings.

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March 9

Recognizing God's Presence

God communicates with us through the people who are placed in our way, and from whom we can learn if we only try. He communicates with us through sublime thoughts and emotions generated by our souls. Perhaps the difference between Prophets of yore and ourselves is when they received the Divine word they said, I am here and I am ready. -- Genesis 22:1. We, too, may hear ourselves being called, but we may not respond. Turning our life over to a Higher Power is our way of saying, I am here, I am ready. Once we sincerely make that statement, we can receive the Divine communication.

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March 10

The Blame Game

We need to take corrective action, and not to blame. We think blaming can relieve us of the burden of doing something about our situation. Rather than make necessary changes in behavior, the addict typically blames others, which appears to absolve him or her from change. Strangely, if someone set fire to your home, you would do whatever necessary to put out the fire, even though you knew who started it. Why not act similarly when our behavior requires change? It is wise to eliminate blame in recovery. Our emphasis should be on what is necessary to recover.

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March 11

Real Change Takes Time

Addiction and recovery are progressive. Especially when the chemical is alcohol, addiction often begins with what appears to be safe, social drinking, and progresses insidiously. Denial prevents a person from realizing what is happening, and progression may last for decades. The moment of truth may come suddenly. Rather than understanding that recovery is a long and progressive process, the expectation is it will be as quick as the moment of truth. We must realize character traits take time to change. The recovering addict should not lose patience, and not have unrealistic expectations. Time takes time.

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March 12

Make a Contribution

While there similarities among chemically dependent people, there are also differences. Each individual's history of addiction and recovery is unique, which is why it is important recovering people frequently attend AA or NA meetings. Over and above what one gets, there is much that one can give. There may be someone who needs to hear your particular story. It will elicit a response in one individual. And even if the event was not unique, it may be the way you describe it that triggers another person's recovery. We all have something unique to contribute. We should not withhold it from others.

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March 13

Learn to Trust

Developing trust is crucial in sobriety. Growing up with an addicted parent can leave emotional scars. You may have felt shame or that you are not good enough. Because these feelings are part of our development, they may seem so natural we don't recognize how destructive they can be. People try to turn their lives over to God, or try to confide in another, but seem unable to do so. They do not realize it is because they never learned how to trust. Attending meetings of Children of Addicts can improve recovery by helping remove some of the obstacles to effective working of the Twelve Steps.

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March 14

True Relationships Don't Come Easily

Chemically dependent people often have problems with relationships. A relationship between two people is a give and take. Each person reacts to the other, and there is flexibility, whereby each gives and receives, and both become enriched. When a relationship is in only one direction, it is not a relationship at all. If we are only taking or only giving, we become so rigid we lose all capacity for adjustment, and we repeat the same situation. Learn to give of yourself, to accept from others, and to be flexible. You can have a truly meaningful relationship.

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March 15

Learning from Hard Times

The seeds of happiness sometimes root in episodes of distress. Not many people get through life without adversity. When we experience suffering, we can hardly philosophize about the ultimate good it may bring. After our painful ordeal is over, and we can look back, we have the option of being resentful and angry toward God or of looking objectively at what happened. We may discover the very things we felt to be so terrible were the seeds of subsequent growth and progress. Even at times of distress, we should bear in mind that the very darkness of suffering is where we are most apt to find our Higher Power.