Accepting my Human Side

[MajestyJo]

A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow."

IP No. 8, "Just for Today"



Was just sharing with a friend last a while back, how every thing wasn't positive or negative. I have had people say, "Don't have any thing to do with that, it is negative." There is negative in everything, the program teaches me how to deal with it, how I can change it if possible and to find the goodness in it.

What is good for me may not be good for someone else and visa versa. I have no right to judge their feelings. I use to get a resentment when someone would say at a meeting, I disagree with you.

You can disagree with my concepts. How can you disagree with my feelings, they are mine. It was always important to validate that, This is how I feel, good or bad.

Don't discount me or my feeling for what they are. They may not be right or they may be a misperception or an error in judgement, but they are mine. It is up to me to process them and choose what I wish to do with them.

I am a firm believer that things are not all postive or all negative. Life is made up of both. Sometimes it is out of balance but it is what it is in the moment. To ignore it and expect it to go away is just not going to happen.

I have some animal cards and they have a reverse side. When you have the reverse and you draw the card upside down, that is your issue. I don't change any of the cards, I have them all the same way. When I get honest, and it is up to me to get there, then there is always a little bit of both, sometimes more negative than positive. Thankfully in today, that generally isn't the case, but it does happen. I don't like it, but it was the part of me learning to accept my human side.

I am not a failure just because I have a negative thought. I am not my disease. I no longer have to be Ms. Perfect.

[MajestyJo]

Was looking at this and thought, "Gee you should listen to yourself more often." Woke up this morning, feeling very much in touch with myself, the pain was there because I had hit my bed and never moved, because it was the old, go, go, go, and then collapse. The addict in me fighting the goodness in me and wanting it's own way, it doesn't matter what that is, as long as it's bucking the system, it is not good, not good for the whole.

I went to do today`s post but got lead to old posts, I wonder why? There is always a reason. My God speaks to me, it is whether I listen or not.

[MajestyJo]

"Experience is not what happens to a man; it is what a man does with what happens to him."

-- Aldous Huxley

"A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing."

-- George Bernard Shaw

When I read these quotes from my daily reading, I thought of them with regard to my life as an addict prior to recovery. My whole life seemed a mistake, and yet I had to go through what I had to go through to get to the doors of recovery.

Most of my experiences were as a result of living my life through other people and with out much thought of doing what I wanted to do. In fact, there were a lot of things that I always wanted to do, but just never got the chance to do them. Mostly because I spent my money using, but also because the man in my life demand my time, attention, and often my money. I certainly didn't set boundaries.

It seemed like my life was one big mistake. It was very gratifying to find out that just because I made them, didn't mean I was one.

There wasn't a lot of honourable deeds on the whole and yet it wasn't all bad. I volunteered for different organizations like the Cancer society, The Heart Fund, put on Senior Movie Nites and held Euchre parties. The motive wasn't as pure as it has been in recovery, but the thoughts were there. More out of looking for approval and acceptance than with the thought of helping others.

With the Legion and being a Ladies Auxiliary Member, I did a lot of things and was a very outgoing person. It was a prime example of how every time I picked up I gave away a piece of myself. Instead of this outgoing woman who was involved with the community, I became an introverted person who existed in a small room at the YWCA. Even there, they called me the Den Mother of the Fourth Floor.

What I wasn't doing was taking care of myself. I was too busy care taking everyone else. I was just marking time and it got so that I needed more and more drugs because I couldn't deal with life and wanted to just hide away and not face it. What had been my best friend had become my enemy and it stopped working for me. It no longer became a coping tool.
I was shutting down and detaching from my family and friends. My life was nothing and I felt even more like nothing, with no self-esteem, respect, worth, care or confidence.

Thank God for recovery and the healing of the 12 Steps and Traditions.