Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

Having lost weight over the past few years, I was discarding things from my wardrobe that no longer fit. My seven-year-old niece was watching as I held up a huge pair of slacks.
"Wow," I said. "I must have worn these when I was 183."
My niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

[bluidkiti]

What do you call a cat that plays piano? A mew-sician.

[bluidkiti]

A flock of sheep are grazing in a field, happily going "baa baa" to each other and discussing life as usual when suddenly they hear a "moo mooooooooooooooooooo!"
They look around and see only sheep. They carry on grazing as before.
"Moooooo mooooooooooo mmmoo!"
One sheep can hear it all too clearly next to him. He shuffles away a little from his friend, a worried look on his face and then asks "George, why are you mooing. You're a sheep. Sheep go 'baa!'"
His friend replies gladly: "I know, I thought I would learn a foreign language!"

[bluidkiti]

If vegetarians eat vegetables, then you really have to watch out for humanitarians.

You can make 7 even, by removing the 's'.
You can make 6 odd, by removing the 's'.
I for one like Roman Numerals.

[bluidkiti]

The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he went inside and told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

--------

Walking home one night, this guy hears a, "Psst! Psst!-give me a hand with this pig would you?"

Looking into the shadows the guy sees his neighbor holding onto a restless and agitated pig. "What in the world are you planning to do with that?" he asks.

"I'm carrying it indoors and putting in the bath tub."

"Why do you wanna do a crazy thing like that?"

"Well, you see, it's my wife. She is one of those women who knows EVERYTHING! I tell her that the price of gas has shot up again...she says I know! I tell her there is more trouble in the East again...she says I know! I tell her Francis down the street is getting a divorce and she knows that, too.

Well, tomorrow morning, since she always gets up before me, I'll wait for her to come running to me screaming, 'THERE'S A PIG IN THE BATH! THERE'S A PIG IN BATH!'"

And I'll just turn to her and say, "Yeah, I know!"

[bluidkiti]

Puns Jest For Kids

- Riddles and Puns for the 8 to 14 year old -

Why was the cookie so unhappy.
Because his mother was a wafer so long.

Why did the waiter fall over?
He was tipped.

Define "Pharmacist": A helper on the farm.

Use "Lettuce" in a sentence: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together.

The blind man picked up a hammer and saw!

Whether it's a pancake or a baseball team, the secret is to start with a good batter.

[bluidkiti]

Give a man a gun and he'll rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he'll rob everyone.

*****

The English Language is weird. It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

*****

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don't care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

[bluidkiti]

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received
a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk’s
office that she was exempt because of her age.

"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.

"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."

"You have to do it every year," she was told.

"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?”

[bluidkiti]

Tax Season

Tax day -- April 15 -- was looming when an elderly woman showed up
at the IRS. She said she required a thick stack of tax forms. "Why so
many?" the clerk asked.

"My son is stationed overseas," she said. "He asked me to pick up
forms for the Marines on the base."

"You shouldn't have to do this," the clerk told her. "It's the base commander’s
job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need."

"I know," said the woman. "I'm the base commander's mother.”

[bluidkiti]

It seems like every time our piano tuner John comes to our house,
he scolds me for waiting too long between tunings. I agree with him
that it should be done every six months, but I don't really think about
it until the piano sounds off-key.

The last time he came over, I was on the defensive. "If you would
send out a postcard reminder like the dentist does every 6 months,”
I declared, "I would make sure to call you for an appointment in a
timely fashion.”

Without hesitating, he replied, "OK -- from now on, when the dentist
sends you a postcard, call me."

[bluidkiti]

Why does a Rooster crow so early in the morning?
To get a word in before the Hens wake up.

[Lin]

How did the tractor salesman learn his wife had left him? He found a John Deere letter on the table.

LINI