Sleeping With The Enemy

[MajestyJo]

I saw this today in Dear Abby. This is something I wish I had seen years ago...it would have saved me a LOT of grief if I had known about these 'red flags'. Also, these warning signs can be for both genders...women aren't the only ones that find themselves in abusive relationships.

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or, "I didn't really mean it."

On another site, someone who is a self-admitted alcoholic said that he had been thinking about going to Al-Anon. He said, "I heard it was good for relationships."

I think that we are often products of our environment. We are what we are taught and what we see. Sometimes, we just don't know any other way and don't know that what we are doing is unacceptable behavior. After all, we saw our father, our uncle, our mother, our aunt, our pastor, etc. act this way for years. Who am I to say what they do is wrong? Who am I to know? It stood me in good stead for many years, why should I change now?

If all you have seen is abuse and dysfunction, how can you know that it is unacceptable behavior. When you add the thinking to the drinking and drugging, what is often a thought becomes an action.

Stayed in an abusive relationship for 7 years and couldn't figure out why I stayed. I was looking for the right time to leave and it never happened. When I finally kicked him out, it couldn't have been worse, I had no food, no money, no job, no prospects, no car (had two when I married him), and no hope. I didn't have Al-Anon back then.

I figured, if you can't beat them join them and I started drinking (couldn't stand to be near him unless I too had been drinking), he hit and I started hitting back, and the abused became the abuser.

I not only had the thinking behind the drinking, I had codependent issues and the old tapes from my childhood. My father was an alcoholic who died from his disease. My mother died at the age of 40 because of her food addiction.

Please do keep coming back. A burden shared is a burden lessened.