Step Nine

[bluidkiti]

AA Step Nine

"Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Good judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage, and prudence--these are the qualities we shall need when we take Step Nine. After we have made the list of people we have harmed, have reflected carefully upon each instance, and have tried to possess ourselves of the right attitude in which to proceed, we will see that the making of direct amends divides those we should approach into several classes. There will be those who ought to be dealt with just as soon as we become reasonably confident that we can maintain our sobriety. There will be those to whom we can make only partial restitution, lest complete disclosures do them or others more harm than good. There will be other cases where action ought to be deferred, and still others in which by the very nature of the situation we shall never be able to make direct personal contact at all. Most of us begin making certain kinds of direct amends from the day we join Alcoholics Anonymous. The moment we tell our families that we are really going to try the program, the process has begun. In this area there are seldom any questions of timing or caution. We want to come in the door shouting the good news. After coming from our first meeting, or perhaps after we have finished reading the book "Alcoholics Anonymous," we usually want to sit down with some member of the family and readily admit the damage we have done by our drinking. Almost always we want to go further and admit other defects that have made us hard to live with. This will be a very different occasion, and in sharp contrast with those hangover mornings when we alternated between reviling ourselves and blaming the family (and everyone else) for our troubles. At this first sitting, it is necessary only that we make a general admission of our defects. It may be unwise at this stage to rehash certain harrowing episodes. Good judgment will suggest that we ought to take our time. While we may be quite willing to reveal the very worst, we must be sure to remember that we cannot buy our own peace of mind at the expense of others. Much the same approach will apply at the office or factory. We shall at once think of a few people who know all about our drinking, and who have been most affected by it. But even in these cases, we may need to use a little more discretion than we did with the family. We may not want to say anything for several weeks, or longer. First we will wish to be reasonably certain that we are on the A.A. beam. Then we are ready to go to these people, to tell them what A.A. is, and what we are trying to do. Against this background we can freely admit the damage we have done and make our apologies. We can pay, or promise to pay, whatever obligations, financial or otherwise, we owe. The generous response of most people to such quiet sincerity will often astonish us. Even our severest and most justified critics will frequently meet us more than halfway on the first trial. This atmosphere of approval and praise is apt to be so exhilarating as to put us off balance by creating an insatiable appetite for more of the same. Or we may be tipped over in the other direction when, in rare cases, we get a cool and skeptical reception. This will tempt us to argue, or to press our point insistently. Or maybe it will tempt us to discouragement and pessimism. But if we have prepared ourselves well in advance, such reactions will not deflect us from our steady and even purpose. After taking this preliminary trial at making amends, we may enjoy such a sense of relief that we conclude our task is finished. We will want to rest on our laurels. The temptation to skip the more humiliating and dreaded meetings that still remain may be great. We will often manufacture plausible excuses for dodging these issues entirely. Or we may just procrastinate, telling ourselves the time is not yet, when in reality we have already passed up many a fine chance to right a serious wrong. Let's not talk prudence while practicing evasion. As soon as we begin to feel confident in our new way of life and have begun, by our behavior and example, to convince those about us that we are indeed changing for the better, it is usually safe to talk in complete frankness with those who have been seriously affected, even those who may be only a little or not at all aware of what we have done to them. The only exceptions we will make will be cases where our disclosure would cause actual harm. These conversations can begin in a casual or natural way. But if no such opportunity presents itself, at some point we will want to summon all our courage, head straight for the person concerned, and lay our cards on the table. We needn't wallow in excessive remorse before those we have harmed, but amends at this level should always be forthright and generous. There can only be one consideration which should qualify our desire for a complete disclosure of the damage we have done. That will arise in the occasional situation where to make a full revelation would seriously harm the one to whom we are making amends. Or--quite as important--other people. We cannot, for example, unload a detailed account of extramarital adventuring upon the shoulders of our unsuspecting wife or husband. And even in those cases where such a matter must be discussed, let's try to avoid harming third parties, whoever they may be. It does not lighten our burden when we recklessly make the crosses of others heavier. Many a razor-edged question can arise in other departments of life where this same principle is involved. Suppose, for instance, that we have drunk up a good chunk of our firm's money, whether by "borrowing" or on a heavily padded expense account. Suppose that this may continue to go undetected, if we say nothing. Do we instantly confess our irregularities to the firm, in the practical certainty that we will be fired and become unemployable? Are we going to be so rigidly righteous about making amends that we don't care what happens to the family and home? Or do we first consult those who are to be gravely affected? Do we lay the matter before our sponsor or spiritual adviser, earnestly asking God's help and guidance--meanwhile resolving to do the right thing when it becomes clear, cost what it may? Of course, there is no pat answer which can fit all such dilemmas. But all of them do require a complete willingness to make amends as fast and as far as may be possible in a given set of conditions. Above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are not delaying because we are afraid. For the readiness to take the full consequences of our past acts, and to take responsibility for the well-being of others at the same time, is the very spirit of Step Nine.

[bluidkiti]

NA STEP NINE

"We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

As we heal in our social and spiritual relationships, we are in touch with more people that we can get along with. Recovery lessens our fear and reduces the number of people that we try to avoid. Through working the Steps, we invite God as a spiritual force or being to move in and exert a force in the direction of our personal betterment and health. A surgeon may sew an open wound together but only the spirit of life we call God can actually make the separated skin, muscle and tissue grow together again. Healing is a miracle. For some of us, amends are like stitching the wound together so that the healing can take place. We know it is getting better when old wound starts itching as the new skin begins its function. The word heal is an important focus to our recovery process. There is so much out there in the world to discourage us and force us to pay prices for stuff that we did when we were out of our minds. We discontinue our errors and replace them with positive alternatives thus accomplishing a healing. How we earn our living, how we look at other people and how we provide for those who depend on us must all change in time. Helping others to heal gives us a steady flow of unforeseen breakthroughs and self-awareness. Areas in which we need help that might have been invisible to us for the rest of our lives, will often snap into focus if we see someone else making a similar mistake. We may say, "Oh, no!" when we see them doing what we do, but our whole lives begin to change. Perhaps we should say, "Oh, yes!" Many times these are the little life lessons we should have learned as children but we missed out on them while we were in active addiction. While other people were experiencing life, we were out to lunch. Healing for us is filling those areas we missed out on and moving into those areas where we've never been before. It is the increase of our life on a solid footing.

‘Adepts’ is a term frequently used to describe spiritually experienced persons. This means that they are adept at practicing spiritual principles. The spiritually inexperienced person may perceive the process to be an illogical bunch of hocus-pocus. Fear and superstitious dread play a role in preventing our growth. We dread change and have trouble believing change will be for the better! As a member of NA, we each have the important right to our own belief systems. We accept, appreciate and fully understand that if we don't believe something, it will not work for us. If you think you don't believe - yet find something working - one possibility is that we have an unconscious belief that is strong enough to produce results. This may be difficult to recognize especially when we lack some of the sensations that other people might experience. Our best move is to focus on our belief and let it become more clear over time. Sometimes the belief of another we love and trust can help us get started. But we have to walk enough of the mile alone to call it our own experience. Otherwise, our foundation is not based on experience and may crumble and fall. Prepare for it like any other journey. Start praying and expecting results. Focus forward on your newfound belief and not back to the unworkable past. Clean and healthy, lots of things get easy! We encourage one another to be sensible and keep spirituality simple. What is simple may grow more complex as time goes by, that’s to be expected. It is better to stick to that which is true and works than to subscribe to a belief that for the most part remains unclear.

Practical spirituality emphasizes our spiritual experiences. As our experience grows, we increase our capacity to share. On the Ninth Step, we only put people on our list when we gain the awareness of our need for freedom from those ‘bad feelings’ that we cannot otherwise resolve. We aren't looking to complicate matters so we don’t go looking for trouble. We simply need to wipe out some more of the leftover pain from our active addiction. The Twelve Steps deal with these internal issues and help us establish a solid spiritual foundation. In Eighth and Ninth Steps, we move out into the world around us and begin to clean up some leftover messes. Some of these may be relatively minor problems that are more felt and imagined than potential hazards to our health or threats to our life. Where a serious problem actually exists, common sense generates a prudence that cautions us to go slowly and ask others for help. We should consult our sponsors instead of plunging wildly ahead. Many have made the decisions to go ahead alone and some have paid a dear price. Remembering the slogan, "Easy Does It" is most appropriate in this Step. Some of us use the concept, "When in doubt – Don’t" and call our sponsors or get to a meeting to get a reality check.

If you know of someone who may be experiencing pain or confusion from past events, situations or circumstances that you know something about let them know. So long as it causes no further harm to anyone, including yourself, it may alleviate someone's suffering. And that will give you a lift.

[honeydumplin]

It has been stated that we can't live in the past, nor the future, for that
matter. But in going through some of the past during the course of
the last week in thinking about these amends, I've found myself actually
doing just that. That's not to say that it has neccessarily been such a
bad thing either. Actually, the whole process of putting pen to paper with
the names of the people themselves, was the exact experience that allowed
me to take even more ownership of certain past events, especially when
juxtaposed with not only the facts, but also the perception of what the other
person may or may not have went through. Very liberating. Extremely
theraputic.

Let me put to you this way. If I were to now come in contact with any or
all of these people, both dead or alive, I would like to think that, given
the present circumstances, I'd be much more approachable, much more
capable of handling the potential one on one conversation that may or may
not evolve, than say, I would have been, had I not been obedient enough to
sit down with a handful of index cards, and write down the names of the people
that I'd done harm to, and really thought long and hard about what I hade done
to them, and what I'd do in order to offer an amends.

A lot of the names were of people who'd suffer the blunt end of the self-absorbed,
misanthropic type of behavior, long before I got heavily involved in drugs and
alcohol. Does it mean that I'm any less responsible for it? Of course not. Does
it mean that I felt any less guilty about what I'd done to them, having done an
eighth? Of course not. No, what it did was allow me the latitude, to take the
addiction, and the fact of my selfishness, completely out of the picture long enough
for me to see the harm itself. No longer was I thinking, well gee you were
drinking, or worst yet, well gee she did in fact do this and that, and you
reacted in this way, and if that hadn't happened, then you might not have done what
you did.

The hypothetical was removed, along with any excuse that was previously embedded.
Now, what was happening WAS the complete, and utter ownership of what had
transpired. I did do this. I did do that. My harm to you was...(fill in the blank).
And there was absolutely no excuse whatever. This had to be paramount with the
whole process. Otherwise, I was turning into this little sniffling pity pot of why,
why, why, thus searching for some sort of alibi riddled fantasy of crawling on my
hands and knees to these people, and in some kind of humiliated act of unworthiness,
begging and pleading for their forgiveness. If their forgiveness comes, fine. But it
shouldn't be a prerequisite for an amends. What it comes down to plain and simple,
is my categorical, and face to face acknowledgement of every harm I've done to them.
I own up to it, and I own what I did. No ifs, ands, or buts in the matter.

Where my ego starts coming into play is in what I plan on doing to offer an amends.
Actually in a sarcastic tone I thought something along the lines of, well maybe I
could mow the yard a few times, or babysit their kids. You see, all I want to do is
sit on the sidelines, wandering in the grace of the whole affair. Rectifying the
situation puts me back where I'm uncomfortable and ego-driven, and that's that
place in which I immediately begin to define what's in it for me, and defy the
gracious gift of grace by wallowing in it. This is where I need work. This is
where I need to desperately put the needs of others ahead of myself. I admit that.
Not only do I think I have a real problem offering an amends, I also think I have
a problem, accepting the amends of others. I just want them to go in peace, and
leave me alone. It's like, okay you've done what you've done, now go away. It
only reminds me of how insane I still am, and how much I really do need help,
in working with other individuals.

I'm also having difficulty in the acceptance of the whole premise of making an
indirect amends for something that I did to someone directly. Maybe it is because
I've never tried it, and therefore through a crash course in deductive theory, I
can speculate that I haven't done it, and it doesn't work. Take for example, a
guy who slapped a woman, and gets to the 8th and 9th step, and can't find her,
or when he does, he realizes that if he gets anywhere near her, her jealous
husband will break his jaw, and decides instead, to volunteer at a homeless
shelter for unwed mothers or something. Granted, he may attain some nobility
in a good cause, and go on to become a pillar of the community. During the
meantime, she could go through life still thinking that he was the sonofagun
who slapped me that time. She may be willing to accept his amends, and he
may be more than willing to give them, but there's no disputing that they are
two parties separated by a gulf that doesn't ever provide any real closure to
the original harm. Or does it? Maybe he lives the amends, and that's as
best as he can do.

Which is another topic I've heard inside the rooms from opposite sides
of the spectrum. I see nothing detrimental about living my life with an
attitude that my life is, or should be lived, as an example of a living amends.
It's been said that the life of an alcoholic affects the lives of at least a hundred
other people, and if that is in fact the case, then I am willing to make living
amends for all the people who've been on the receiving end of the living
wrath that I heaped upon people that I probably don't even remember.

This came up in an open meeting one time, and since I hadn't worked
an eighth or ninth step, I proceeded to share how I'd been downright ugly
to a clerk at a 7/11 when I mistakenly had counted the change that he
had given me. I was rude. And after going back to the hotel, I felt horrible
that I'd been such a jerk to this guy. Since I'm a recovering alcoholic,
and now have a conscience, I decided to drive back down to the convenience
store and apologize for my behavior. Nothing unusual. In some form,
that's a living amends. If it wasn't, I wouldda just said screw it, that guy
will forget eventually, and I will too, given enough time. As a matter of
fact, I don't think he remembered, or if he did, he didn't make much of
deal out of my going back to apologize. It sure made me feel a lot better
though. I do know that.

On another occassion, I'd stolen very large spoonfulls of coffee from an employer
years ago. And since my caffeine addiction never got in the way of my cocaine
addiction, I helped myself to the coffee storage under the counter. They later
went out of business, and the owner's deceased. Subsequently, since getting
sober it's hard to tell how much coffee I've made, bought, and given away to people
who didn't even ask for it. I enjoy doing it, but I'll never be able to repay the
coffee that I stole from someone. That, I also think, is a living amends.

See, I've already contradicted myself. I don't have difficulty with me doing it, I just
don't understand why anyone else would want to. That's it, there's the ego again.
In and out. Up and down.


"Any fool can try to defend his mistakes--and most fools do--but it gives one a feeling of nobility to admit one's mistakes. By fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected." --Lawrence G. Lovasik