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Ironic, my name is Pipe Kills. When I stopped smoking, I found out I was allergic to smoke.

Jumping rabbit :)

My son is Shield Standing. He sure puts up a shield against anything that speaks of recovery.

How difficult it is for some of us to let go, even if it is something that is not good for us.

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Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? He had NO body to go with! :D
The song they sing at a snow man's birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow! :D

How does a ginger bread man make his bed? With cookie sheets! :D

A preacher went to his church office on Monday morning and discovered a
dead mule in the church yard. He called the police.
Since there did not appear to be any foul play, the police referred the
preacher to the health department.

They said since there was no health threat that he should call the
sanitation department.

The sanitation manager said he could not pick up the mule without
authorization from the mayor.

Now the preacher knew the mayor and was not to eager to call him. The
mayor had a bad temper and was generally hard to deal with, but the
preacher called him anyway.

The mayor did not disappoint. He immediately began to rant and rave at the
pastor and finally said, "Why did you call me anyway? Isn't it your job to
bury the dead?"

The preacher paused for a brief prayer and asked the Lord to direct his
response. He was led to say, "Yes, Mayor, it is my job to bury the dead,
but I always like to notify the next of kin first!"

Oldies, but still goodies.

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

Eighty percent held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said,

"I outlived the b*tches."

Dumb Blonde Joke

A Blonde and a Lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question:

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his
references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the Library Of Congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

NEW INVENTIONS BY BLONDES:

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags ;D

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes ;D

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap.

Smiling. This list is why I stopped colouring my hair and letting it go natural. I was born a brunette!

This may be a repeat but I am too tired to look. Still working on the two hours sleep.

The Rules For Being Human

Cherie Carter-Scott

1) You will receive a body..
You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period of time around.

2) You will learn lessons.
You are enrolled in a full-time school called Life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.

3) There are no mistakes, only lessons.
Growth is a process of trial and error: Experimentation.
The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4) A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it, you can them go on to the next lesson.

5) Learning lessons does not end.
There is no part of life that does not contain it's lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned.

6) "There" is no better than "here".
When you are "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here".

7) Others are merely mirrors of you.
You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself.

8) What you make of your life is up to you.
You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9)Your answers lie inside you.
The answers to Life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10) YOU WILL FORGET ALL THIS.

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This may not seem like a smile, but I can go back and laugh at myself.

How true! This was something I didn't want to allow myself. People repeatedly seemed to be saying, "Well you are only human you know!" That wasn't acceptable to me. I could not always be perfect and right but I felt that it was my job in recovery to be the best me I could be each day. I didn't always live up to my expectations and I learned not to beat myself up for falling short of who and what I wanted to be, and yet I felt better within me for having tried.

Before recovery, I didn't try. I had given up on life and I got to the stage where I was sick and tired of being tired and sick. I have been back there a few times since then and it is not a good place to be. Thank God for this program.

Laughter is the good medicine as they say in Reader's Digest. They use to be bathroom stationary back when we had an outhouse on the farm. ;)

FOR THOSE WHO NEED A LITTLE TIME AWAY FROM THE GRIND STONE AND A SMILE.


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a thread a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up , examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........

The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Received with thanks from my friend Carey in Texas

THE THREE LITTLE PIGS

The mind of a six year old is wonderful!

Here's a First Grade true story...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the
story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig
was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.
She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man
with the wheel barrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me
sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
The teacher paused then asked the class,
"And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he
probably said 'Holy nuts! A talking pig!"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

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Got this from my niece of FB.

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They say, "It never rains but it pours." Life is like that sometimes.

Make like a duck, and let things slide off your back or better still, use protection, use an umbrella.

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OK so the Olympics were fun and its all great seeing various clips of back stories etc but i never thought i would find any reporting i enjoyed. But this one i could not resist (re)posting.

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators so far during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Start the day out with a smile and have a great one!!

Received with thanks from my friend Linda

Snagged this from FB. I have seen it before, but still just 2 2 funny.

Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, "When I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman!!"

Neighbors feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98.

After the burial, Daisy May's neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

She replied, "LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS."

Had this on a post that I deleted because the link no longer worked. I find it funny, so didn't want to delete it.

I am looking at it from a retirement point of view. When I retired I was the busiest person doing nothing that I knew.

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I man and his blonde wife were listening to a weather report on the radio. The announcer said.."We are expecting a foot of snow tonight. We ask all of you to park you cars on the side of the street with even numbered addresses so the snowplows can get down the street. She put her car on the even numbered side.

A few weeks later...another announcement: We are expecting a foot of snow tonight. Would youplease park yuo car on the street on the odd numbered address side so the snowplows can get thru.. She moved her car there.

A few weeks later she was listening again. The announcer said..We are expection another foot of snow tonight. Would you please park your cars.......... and the electricity went off.

She turned to her husband and said..Where shall I park my car? I could no hear the end of the announcement. The husband smiled and said..Why not just leave it in the garage this time.

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An old-timer spoke about the danger of becoming
complacent and explained the need for the Steps
in her life. "The way I see it," she said,
"I might have gotten the monkey off my back,
but the circus is still in town."

~!~!~!~!~

A drunk had applied for a driver's license in a new state.
One of the test questions read,
"Have you ever been arrested for drunk driving?"
He replied in the negative. Just below that,
there was another question: "Why?"
He puzzled over it for a moment and then wrote,
"Never been caught."

Cute joke..what do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bug Bunny.

https://tse2.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.M...=0&w=300&h=300

A woman watched her husband stand on the scale. He was trying to suck in his gut. She told him that would not help. He said yes it will...it helps me see the numbers.

St Patrick's day joke...what does a leprechaun put on his porch? Paddy O'furniture!

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When was Rome built?

At night.

Why do you say that?

Because Rome wasn't built in a day.

Dave I think your joke about Rome is hilarious :38:
I'm going to text it to my grandson
He will love it

Jo I love your pillow/software joke :38:
I'm going to ask my wife if she will embroider it on a pillow case
Too funny :1:

Ok here's my joke for the day:
Back in my drinking daze - a pink polka dotted alligator, a purple snake, a green monkey and a laughing hyena all walked into a bar.
The bar tender said, "Sorry fellas, Steve's not here yet". :11:

:86: