Steps By The Big Book

[bluidkiti]

SESSION 11

STEP 4 How It Works Relationships (Including Sex) (64-65)

Sex conduct. (69: 0) Whom had we hurt? (69: 1)


ION YOUR OWN: STUDY – What did the Big Book authors say?

• READ Read about the relationship / sex conduct inventory (7 paragraphs 68 – 70).The inventory will help you note certain old ideas and behaviors that do not work to give peace of mind, and exchange them for others that work better.
• WRITE Write about how your behavior hurt others and yourself.Such as:

• “Have my relationships and/or sexual behaviors been based in selfishness or love?”
• “Have I had difficulties with trust, or being a partner, and with making commitments?”
• “Have I used sex or other behaviors to fill the spiritual void inside myself?”

• TALK Talk about this topic with your sponsor and other group members.
• PRACTICE DAILY MEDITATION / PRAYER

II WITH THE GROUP: PRACTICE – What does the Big Book say to me about my conduct in relationships, sexual and otherwise?


Points of Focus and Reflection (Consider pp. 68: 4-70: 2)
A. Who? How? What? We Make a List: Now about sex. (68: 4) We got this all down on paper and looked at it. (69: 1) We all have sex problems. We’d hardly be human if we didn’t. (69: 0) Meditation / prayer: ask for help.
Use the same three-column format to take an inventory of your relationship / sex behavior. (See 69: 3)

1. First Column: Who? “Who have I hurt?” (See 69: 1)

• We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. (69: 1) List all the people, institutions and principles you have caused trouble for (including yourself) through your sexual conduct and relationship behaviors.
• One act of sexual and relationship misconduct can hurt many different people.

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
My wife
My mistress


2.) Second Column: How? “How have I hurt them?”

• We can hurt someone in many, many ways. These include by having or not having sex with them, by creating jealousy and flirting with someone else, or by being lost in fantasies and obsessions about our hidden relationship / sexual desires.

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
How did I hurt them?
My wife-


My mistress-
-My mistress, overbearing


-Unreasonable, unjust


3.) Third Column: What? “What part of my Self was affected?”

• What did your self-willfulness lead to?
• We were most often seeking something more than simply sex. Were we trying to feel proud, or raise our self-esteem, or fulfill our desire for emotional security, or material security?

Relationship / Sex Inventory as in this example (65: 2)
Who have I hurt?
How did I hurt them?
What part of my Self was affected and led me to act?
My wife-


My mistress-
-My mistress. Overbearing


-Unreasonable, unjust
Self esteem (fear)
Sex relations Security
Personal relationships


B. Nine Relationship Questions (1 - 9) * “Where am I responsible?”

• Motives [1]Where had we been selfish,
• [2]dishonest, or
• [3]inconsiderate [self-seeking]? (69: 1)
• [4]Whom had we hurt? (69: 1) [See First Column]
• Feelings Created [5]Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy,
• [6]suspicion or
• [7]bitterness? (69: 1)
• [8] Fault Where were we at fault …. (69: 1) [Out of bounds? Miss the mark?]
• What Should We Have Done? [9]What should we have done instead? (69: 1)

In this way we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future [relationship and] sex life. (69: 2) Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. [69: 3]


C. Step 4 Relationship/Sex Turnaround Willing to change

• We subjected each relation to this test - was it selfish or not? (69: 2)
• We must be willing to make amends where we have done harm…. (69: 3)
• Counsel with persons is often desirable... (69-70)
• If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the imperious urge…. (70: 2)

• * Three Meditations / Prayers. We act as agents of the God of our understanding. (49: 1; 62: 3; 68: 2, 3)

• We ask God: We asked God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them. (69: 2)
• We let God. …We let God be the final judge. (70: 0)
• We meditate / pray: In meditation, we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. (69: 3) We earnestly pray for the right ideal, for guidance in each questionable situation, for sanity, and for the strength to do the right thing. (70: 2)

pp. 59-60
http://www.stepsbybigbook.net/