Daily Humor

[bluidkiti]

Our kindergarten class went to the fire station for a tour and some instruction in fire safety. The fireman was explaining what to do in case of a fire. He said, "First, go to the door and feel the door to see if it's hot." Then he said, "Fall to your knees. Does anyone know why you ought to fall to your knees?"
One of the little tykes said, "Sure, to start praying to ask God to get us out of this mess!"

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There was a five-year-old attending a formal wedding some years ago. The girl was sitting with her grandmother. She had been in Sunday school but had never attended a formal church service.
During the wedding, the minister said, "Let us pray." Each person bowed his head in prayer. The little girl looked around and saw all the heads bowed and eyes turned toward the floor and she cried: "Grandmother, what are they all looking for?"

[bluidkiti]

For many years, it was believed that most injuries occur in the home.

This is no longer true. Evidence from a recent study suggests that injuries are most likely to occur at social gatherings, right after somebody yells, "Hey, Y'all! Watch this!"

[bluidkiti]

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began. "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.

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A co-worker told his sister she should have the tires rotated on her car. Without skipping a beat, she said, "But don't they do that when I'm driving?"

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Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, "They're driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I'm half-way to the nut hatch."
"What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself," her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don't bother me one bit!"

[bluidkiti]

My girlfriend called me as she was driving to an appointment. She arrived, and I could tell from her voice that she was getting frustrated. Finally she said, "I know I had my cell phone with me. And now I can't find it!"

I replied, "Aren't you talking on it!?"

There was a solid period of stunned silence as the reality of the situation sank in - followed by, "You are NOT going to tell anybody about this!"

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We got lucky when we heard the old Piedmont Hotel in Atlanta was getting a face-lift and its beautiful maple doors became available for sale as salvage items. We bought several and had them installed in our 19th-century home.

Showing a friend around the house, I pointed out, "You know, these doors are from the Piedmont Hotel."

He raised an eyebrow. "Most people just take the towels."

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Taken from a classroom paper:

Asked to name six animals peculiar to the Arctic regions, a boy replied: "Three bears and three seals."

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Q. How many aerobics instructors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Four!...Three!...Two!...One!

[bluidkiti]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck"

A third child brought the argument to a close..."They use the dogs", she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[bluidkiti]

One weekend my friend, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head. Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she'd gently shake him and ask, "What's your name?"
Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room. When she went in at 5 A.M., she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead. It read, "My name is Daniel."

[bluidkiti]

An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for some kind of relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads designed for people with back pain .... all on the bottom shelf.

[bluidkiti]

A young boy who had just gotten his driving permit asked his father if he could use the family car. The father said he could use the car if he studied his Bible diligently -- and got his hair cut. For a week the boy studied his Bible, but didn't get his hair cut. "I'm glad to see you studying your Bible," the father said, "but why didn't you get your hair cut?" "Well, Dad," the boy replied, "Samson had long hair. Moses had long hair. Noah had long hair. And even Jesus had long hair." "Indeed they did," the father answered, "and I'm glad you want to use them as your role models . . . . because they walked everywhere they went."

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Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

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Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that." Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

[bluidkiti]

One of our church deacons, a barber, at the Baptist church in Auburn, Alabama, was feeling guilty because he had never witnessed for the Lord. One day a man came into his barbershop and asked for a shave.

"Now's my chance to make a fellow believer out of him," he thought.

The barber put him in a chair and lathered his face. Nervously he stuttered, "S-S-Sir, are you r-r-ready to m-m-meet the L-L-Lord?"

The fellow opened his eyes wide and saw the barber holding the straight razor with a shaking hand. He jumped out of his chair and took off running down the street with the drape flopping in the wind.

[bluidkiti]

Cold Cream

A little boy watched, fascinated, as his mother gently
rubbed cold cream on her face.

"Why are you rubbing cold cream on your face, Mommy?" he
asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother.

A few minutes later, she began removing the cream with a
tissue.

"What's the matter?" he asked. "Are you giving up?"

[bluidkiti]

Some people get wiser as they get older, and others just get old. I read in Reader's Digest of a man who had just turned sixty, planting his spring garden, with the help of his 91-year-old father. The older man began to set up the bean poles in straight lines, but his son protested that arranging them teepee-style was better. They argued for several minutes over which method was best.

Finally, the son said, "Dad, this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees!"

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off toward the house, snorting as he went, "You kids! Turn sixty and you think you know everything!"

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"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'
Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " --Charlie Brown

[bluidkiti]

I've gotten to the age where I need my false teeth and hearing aid before I can ask where I left my glasses.

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The minister's little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn't go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.
Then, when the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child's reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.
"What's the matter? I thought you'd be glad to go to the picnic." her mother said.
"It's too late!" the little girl said. "I've already prayed for rain!"

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I was browsing in a souvenir shop when the man next to me struck up a conversation.
Just as he was telling me that his wife was getting carried away with her shopping, a brief power shortage caused the lights to flicker overhead.
"Ah," he sighed, "that must be her checking out now."

[bluidkiti]

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber.

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son. I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn't work much better than before!

As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn't working. "Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

[bluidkiti]

Mary goes to her first show at an art gallery and is looking at the paintings. One is a huge canvas that has black with yellow blobs of paint splattered all over it. The next painting is a murky gray color that has drips of purple paint streaked across it.
Mary walks over to the artist and says, "I don't understand your paintings."
"I paint what I feel inside me," explains the artist.
"Have you ever tried Alka-Seltzer?"

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Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

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Roses are red, violets are blue.
That's what they say, but it just isn't true!
Roses are red and apples are too,
But violets are violet...violets aren't blue!
An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green.
A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not, we defile it.
But ah, why not...it's hard to rhyme violet!

[bluidkiti]

While a friend and I were visiting Annapolis, we noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand. "What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide. "Each year," he replied with a grin, "The upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.

The guide replied, "One."

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Parking spaces near our seaside cottage are at a premium, and the street is often crowded with cars. One day our neighbor put a sign: NO PARKING HERE.

Later he added another: NO TURNING IN DRIVEWAY.

Finally, he added a third: NO CUTTING THROUGH THE YARD.

That's when the neighbor across the street put up his own sign: AND DON'T COME OVER HERE EITHER!

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A Father is asked by his friend, "Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?"

"Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector." he replies

To this his friend responds "Strange ambition to have for a career."

"Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!"