My roots were in the Gospel Halls, a very strict message and I learned that Jesus loved me as soon as I was able to understand in church and in Sunday school.
I called my ex-husband the other night. I asked him if he was still drinking beer. He said of course, drinking isn't a sin. Don't be so self-righteous. Unfortunately, "I said, "I remember what you were like when you drank beer." I didn't add that I hope his new wife doesn't experience the same thing seeing as he is still drinking beer. He was brought up with the same beliefs as I was. That is why I carried so much guilt and shame over the years, because according to the church, what I did was a sin, instead of being a part of my disease.
I told him, don't speak to me about Jesus Christ if you are continuing to act out in your disease. Saying sorry and continuing to do the same things over and over again, is not something that connects you to the God of your understanding.
Beer and all mind altering substances block us from the Spirit of God. The substance becomes the god of my life. I may think I don't have a problem, but if you try to quit and can't, it is a good chance you are an addict.
According to my aunt, I was a sinner saved by Grace. To me, I was an addict who had a disease, who looked outside of herself to find things to make her better. Through my God's Grace, I was led to the doors of recovery.
When I was acting out in my disease, I did sinful things. I am not my disease. The 12 Steps of recovery allowed me to change and not be the person that I use to be. Through my God, I was able to stop using and become the person He would have me be.
The 12 Steps took me across the bridge, and I didn't have to go back and cross it and do the things I use to do.
My ex hung up on me. He said, "Jesus is the way." I said, "I know, I asked for things in His name all of my life." He was a good supplier. I had to be careful of what I asked for.
He wanted our son to call him, but my son refuses to speak to him. My son says, I have nothing to talk to him about. He didn't want to be preached at. He also remembered that his dad only invited him between girlfriends. It was his new wife that wrote the cheques for child support until he was 16. I told him that our son was growing very fast and the money didn't cover the expenses, but he refused to pay more let alone pay at all.
I had to deal with my feelings, there were a lot of issues to address. I needed to separate my feelings for the good of my son.
My husband said to me, "Love Jesus and keep the commandments." I said, "Yes I know, adultery is one of the commandments." Unfortunately, I fed into his anger, and everything I was taught in Al-Anon escaped my mind. It was true, but it was better left unsaid.
