For years I've searched for both confirmation that I was in fact an
alcoholic, or the denial that I ever was one, at times during the
course of the same day. It wasn't until after I had stopped
drinking for a time that I was told, when a person tries
to control the drinking, they've already lost control.
I used to get so mad when someone would say that I was the
one who had to figure out whether I was an alcoholic or not.
I wanted someone to tell me that I was, so I could feel more
comfortable going to Alcoholics Anonymous. Come to think
of it, it wouldn't have helped me figure it out anymore, had
they said that I was anyway.
I searched for excuses, or anything to solidify my reasons
for drinking. One of the big ones, was that it was legal.
As opposed to some of the other drugs, it was okay to continue
to kill myself with alcohol, simply because it was legal. Now,
there's some insanity. It was like I really didn't care if I died
while I was drinking, I just didn't want to end up dead doing
something illegal.
I also remember either reading or hearing something to the
effect years ago, that children of alcoholics had more of a
tolerance for alcohol than say, children of non-alcoholics.
This was another free pass, and another excuse I made
in my head to drink more. This is the type of chaos
that I needed to recognize, before I could ever accept the
whole concept of being powerless.
I digress, but this leads back to the first step.
It says, "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our
lives had become unmanageable."
What I really thought it said, even (after) I had read it
numerous times was that when I take this very important
step, I cease to have any power over alcohol. As if to say
at one time or another, I really "did" have power over it,
which as now I know, couldn't be any further from the truth.
I've never had any power over it.
And there's still a part of me that wants to blame it.
I'll say things like, "it" made a wreck of my life, or "it"
did this, or "it" did that. Alcohol didn't make a wreck
of my life, I did a fine job of that without it.
I was the problem. I am the problem. And I will
continue to be the problem.
While I'm confessing I must also admit that at
one time I couldn't stand hearing someone
introduce themselves as a "real alcoholic".
I thought, Man...the audacity, the nerve.
I mean the very first thing that popped into
my mind was, gee whiz since I never made it
up to drinking a fifth a day, I guess that makes
me a half-ass alcoholic. There again, the comparison,
the ego-infested competition, and self-centeredness
took over and I was viewing the whole scene from
a standpoint of it being all about me, and it isn't.
Through meeting after meeting I still wasn't quite
getting it through my thick head how I could possibly
consider myself as a "real alcoholic". I was just a
garden variety drunk with a bunch of personal
problems. It really was not until I finally stopped
doing drugs altogether and began to work the
first step again, that I realized, that I was indeed
admitting that even though I may not have been
a real alcoholic, I was most definitely and really,
an alcoholic, which is what I need to do in the first
place.
I went to page 30 of the Big Book. More About Alcoholism.
And through the help of the book, I finally made this
grateful admission. And I'm "really" glad I did.
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