This describes a lot of what I was brought up with and thought myself to be very liberal minded. What I was in, was rebellion.

I thought myself a free spirit and what I was a stoned spook/spoof for want of a better word(s), to describe someone who didn't have a clue.

When I was told that HOW the program worked was Honesty, Open-mindedness, and Willingness, the mind was the first thing I did. I thought I had honesty, but I was cash register honest, but I didn't have true self-honest, and that came last.

Using was no longer an option. For me to use was to die, so I had to find a new way of living. I went to lots of meetings to listen to everyone, and I got so mixed up with this pile of knowledge, with not to knowledge about how to sort it and to put what where.

I heard people sharing about a Higher Power, got so confused, that I didn't recognize my own God and realized I didn't know who He was. I went on a spiritual Quest, opening my mind to all possibilities. In the past, my mind would have slammed shut. Instead I became intrigued and kept on looking and I am still looking today. God is as He reveals Himself to me today. If I stop looking, I might forget to start looking again.

God is who I need Him to be in today. He wears many hats and has broad shoulders. He is loving and caring and I am sure sometimes exasperated and frustrated, yet is Love is unconditional and His promises do come true.

With each new day, is a new experience, a new awareness, and a new connection. He is always there I know. Yet for me, it is me that has to make the conscious effort to reach out to Him.

When it comes to many things, because of my upbringing, I thought that life didn't have very many options. I didn't know I had choices. I didn't know that if it wasn't done the way I was taught, it could be acceptable too. I thought everything was dyed in stone, and my outlook was very narrow, and if things didn't seem acceptable, my mind, snapped shut.

To know that there is no right way or wrong way of working the program. To know that there is no race, no order that things had to be done although it was suggested that the Steps be taken in order. I wasn't too open to that. I can seeing going over them with your sponsor in order, but when it comes to living, they are applicable in the moment as needed. For example: I can't deal with this defect of character yet because I am not on Step 6, I am on Step 2. I went to a lot of Step meetings. It was important to open my mind and listen to how other members worked the Steps and what they did for their lives.

Recovery is important to me. Each day is a new beginning, a new experience, a new awakening, and I am open to anything spiritual in nature.

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"Anxiety – Not as a clinical diagnosis, but as a general way of viewing things with an eye toward what is wrong, what might be wrong, what has been wrong or what is going to be wrong. Excessive worry, especially about things I cannot change

- Realitistic Recovery

Well this is where I am at and what I need to change. Sending prayers and asking for help to stay in today and not project into next week.

Accepting the things I cannot change is difficult and not always easy, accepting the unknown is even more difficult for me. I like to be in the know. Not that I have any more control, just want to know what is happening, probably because I am curious and just plain snoopy, because if I knew, there is no saying I would do anything about it.

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I like the fact that I don't have to like it in order to accept it. I know I will not like it, and I can accept the situation is at hand, just not sure what form the situation will take.

I have a feeling that the Serenity Prayer will be said many times, and grateful that I can't wear it out.

Like all things, no matter what I go through, I know that I have to get to a place of acceptance. The nice thing about is is the awareness, that you are there or you are not and you can work towards it.

Just have to leave it all in my God Hands. It is a good thing that He has large Hands.

The slogan Hesitate and Meditate helped me. Stop and think before you speak. I often walk away, think about something, process it, and then share on it.

One time I lost it in the AA office when they said that the Women's Discussion group couldn't be a part of Inter-group and I had to return my papers. I returned my papers, after responding to a poor guy who was on telephone answering service who just said good morning. He was not the person I was angry at but he got the brunt of the outburst. I later thought, just think of what I would have said if I hadn't said the Serenity Prayer for the three blocks it took me to get there.

I made an amend to the person later. And the man who made the statement, came to the group and made an amend.

That was when I was about 3 years sober. Seldom do I think and say it these day. It is generally an accumulation of things that cause me to react.

I do myself and the others an injustice when I am not kind. Quite often it is the sins of someone else or a compound of issues from my past that affect me in today. It also helps me to remember Hugs not Drugs. Drugs come in many forms. Anything that stands between me and who my God would have me be in today.

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Have always had an open mind since coming into recovery, especially when it comes to a Higher Power that works for everyone. Especially needed it, to get over the resentment and anger that I felt yesterday.

It is His Grace that brought me here so it is only right I extend grace to others. I tend to be a bit stubborn when it comes to what I believe in. I have trouble letting it go. I can even admit to being a bit smug and have told a few people, "I told you so." It doesn't happen very often in today.

My boss use to say, "I hate it when you are right." He was always out to prove me wrong.

My father use to say I was more contrary than stubborn. This was true in my marriage. I always picked a different team and seldom cheered or the same team as my ex. I cheered for the Saskatchewan Rough Riders because their uniforms were green.

Bridge has helped me to be more gracious to my partner. As I have posted before, the director and owner of the club says, "If you want to find a good partner, be one." Her words stuck with me. She is not program. She is a spiritual lady at heart and a complete agnostic.

When ever I hear open-mind, I think of that other quote I have posted many times, "Don't have such an open mind that everything falls out of it.

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An open mind, means that I allow others to speak their truth, that doesn't mean I have to accept it as mine, but allowing them the space to speak and share.

If I look hard enough, I am sure I will find something I need to hear and if I listen hard enough, identify instead of compare, I will see that it is a reflection from within me, something I don't want to deal with. I think of it as their stuff, not mine; when in fact, it takes one to know one.

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Outgoing - Withdrawn

I look at it as introverted and extroverted, I was both.

On the whole, for most of my life I was out going. Before it was bolster courage, because I always wanted to fit in and be a part of what ever was the it thing in the moment. A lot was a brave front to hide my low self-esteem and I had little confidence. I wasn't shy, just unsure of myself.

Over the years I have mellowed. Not so out there as I use to be.

In today, I am more withdrawn but thanks to the internet I can connect to others in recovery.

Hoping when the good weather comes, I can get out to meetings. Meetings have always been a healing tool for me, so glad that I can have this connection with all of you. When I am withdrawn, I can isolate my soul and God`s messages don`t always get through all the barriers I put up.

Like all things there is balance.

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Tolerant/Intolerant

Most days I am, unless I am intolerant of myself.

As they say in the program, if you ask for patience, you get things to tolerate to practice on, quite often that is myself.

As the Al-Anon slogan says, "Let it begin with me." Recovery isn't about the other person, it is about me. Often that other person is a reflection, and more often than not, they have a lesson to teach me. Not just tolerance, but what I see in them, is something within myself that I need to address.

Most times I am intolerant of myself for being less than, for not measuring up to what I feel I can do or have done in the past. I had to learn to take it easy on myself and not be such a hard task master. Comparison always left me feeling less than or better than, and recovery reminds me that we walk this road together. We each have our own cross to bear, our own idiosyncrasies and our own issues to deal with.

A lot boils down to lower expectations and much more acceptance. I had to remember that some people are just not capable or able to meet my expectations and I really have no right to place them on them.

The insanity of our disease, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

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Humble/Arrogant

Arrogance, conceit- Offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearing pride. An excessively favourable opinion of one’s own ability, importance, wit, etc. Being a know-it-all. Telling others how I am better than someone else, or thinking those thoughts to myself.

Lydia at Don't Drink and Die

Don't like to think I am like this. I try to share my experience, strength and hope. Fess up to my foibles and admit to those little things that get in the way in my daily life.

I know that left on my own, I would not be clean and sober today. So many people have been put in my path, great teachers, many who I met on this site.

I tried my way for many years. I am so grateful that I had the 10 years of meetings as a foundation on which to build on in today, I may post a lot on the site. I made a commitment to do certain readings and post which I try to do daily. If something speaks to me, I try to share it with the hope that it will help others.

I love recovery. I love the program. I wouldn't have recovery without the program, the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions. If I am feeling as though I am being arrogant, then I need to look at where I came from.

Each day truly is a new beginning. God is as He reveals Himself to me in today.

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Heard two things about humility in early recovery. One long-timer said it meant to be remain teachable.

The other long-timer was speaking at a meeting and introduced himself as, Hi, I am Len, I am a humble recovering alcoholic. If you ever hear anyone say they have humility, you know they haven't got it, which broke up the room. He carried a great message to me that night. We can do what I can't do alone. When I think I am running the show, I am running toward a relapse.

First and foremost, come God. My God utilizes people, places and things to show me a better way of life. It is up to me to be humble enough to accept that help and in return pay it forward.

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I was told the difference is admitting you don't know it all and willing to learn and be teachable vs thinking you know it all and your way is the only way.

I will always remember a long-timer speaking and saying, "If you hear someone say that they are humble and have humility, you know that the don't." He then turned around and said, "I am a humble man." Of coarse, everyone had a big laugh. It was a known fact to those who knew him that he tended to be quite arrogant at times.

I heard at a meeting, "Humble means to become teachable." I had a guy ask me out for coffee a few years into recovery. He asked, "Do all you do is talk recovery?" I said, "Yes, it is a way of life." I am still talking recovery. I still work the program. I am still a student of recovery. I am on this journey for the long haul. As I have said many times before, "I don't want to know what my Higher Power looks like. If I knew then I might stop looking for Him." I just try to remember to take my Higher Power with me on each day's journey. Sometimes I get lost, make a wrong turn or get side tracked. When I do, I search until I find Him and find my way back home.

posted on another site in 2011

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Had to quit posting this morning because I still had my head ache. Ironically, I did look at the word arrogant and thought, the opposite is humility. God must be at work here!

For most of my life, I realized that I was very arrogant. I thought I knew everything and if I didn't, then I made sure I went out and did learn. My boss use to say, "God! I hate it when you are right." It wasn't only the knowing, it was me making sure that you knew I was right too.

Humility was accepting that of myself, I am nothing. It is to remain teachable and open to other ideas other than my own. It is being aware of my faults as well as my strengths and accepting them and knowing that through my God, they can be changed. It is also know that I am loved in spite of them.

Being humble doesn't mean being humiliated. Humble is just saying, "I don't know and being comfortable with the fact." To not know, to not be able to do, was failure, shame and total humiliating. Today, I acknowledge my human nature. Before it was an embarrassment.

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Willing/Contrary

When I got to recovery, I saw everyone doing what I had tried doing for eight years before I got here. They stopped using and stayed stopped. I was sick and tired of being tired and sick, using was no longer an option, it was do or die. I was willing to do whatever it took to stay clean and sober. I use to go around and say, "If they told me to climb a telephone pole once a day and sit for several hours, I would have done it.

I have always had the willingness to stay sober. I have, for the most part, been willing to go to any length to do it. I kept coming and did the do things, because I had a healthy fear of going back out if I did not. I had a lot of people who went back out and did the research for me.

I learned not to trust the people, just because they were in the rooms of recovery, didn't mean they had sobriety. What I did learn to trust was the program. I saw that it worked. Through that trust, I learn to trust a Higher Power, which lead me to be willing to look at myself.

Before I had always been looking outward. I no longer played the blame game, and was willing to look at me. The problem wasn't the substance (pills, alcohol, men, food, work, etc.), it was but a symptom of my disease. The problem was me.

For most of my life I was more willfull than willing. I want what I want and I want it now.

By the time I got to the doors of recovery, I became willing to do what ever it took, not to go back to where I came from. Using was no longer an option, so I was willing to do what was suggested to me. They say they are only suggestions, but I also found them to be, enlightening, if I didn't do, I wouldn't be able to stay sober. My best thinking got me to the doors of recovery.

For the most part, I have kept that willingness. Willing to change, willing to make changes, willing to learn and grow.

I didn't have my won't power! I had problems saying "No" and yet when I should, I couldn't say "No" to the wrong things. Recovery was learning to say no to drugs and abuse. Abuse from myself and others was no longer an option, I was willing to learn to care for myself and learn to live a healthy way of life.

My father told me many years ago that I was contrary, more than I was stubborn. It seemed like I like arguing for argument sake. I wasn't willing to give in and agree, I went kicking and fighting all the way. As they say, "I had to change my attitude in order to recover."

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Consistent/Inconsistent

This isn't a chip I do well. Because of my sleeping patterns, I don't get here on a regular basis, but I do try to get here. I do know that when I come here and post, I feel better. My only problem is whether I can think through the pain. It is one thing to copy and paste, the challenge is reading and taking the words off the pages and applying them to my life.

There has to be a solution. Although after typing that, the thought came, perhaps a change in attitude too. :)

I do like constant in my life. I have always had a lot of insecurity in my life. Like everything else, it is something God and I are working on.

I am consistent in prayer, I am not consistent in praying at the same time every day. As a result, I pray often, when needed, and when I want to ask for healing for others.

Sometimes I slip and fall, and that is okay, because I know my God is consistent and is always there to help me back up.

I don't have to physically pick up, but I can slip mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

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Forgiving/Resentful

Forgiveness is healing not of just my past, but my life in today. It is ironic how God gives me what I need, often gently but more often than not by a 2 x 4.

I just got off the phone after whining about why I didn't go to a certain meeting because I found so many personalities at the group that I have trouble finding the principles. I got off the phone, read the reading from the Daily Guru today and it was about forgiveness. It reminded me that God has a big eraser.

Instead of being resentful about other people's actions and words, I needed to let go and find forgiveness, consider the source and often look at where they are coming from. It isn't always about me, yet it needs to begin with me.

I don't do it for them, I do it for my own recovery. Looking out keeps me sick.

Was thinking of this person today, almost got the bus to go to her place this afternoon. Then I think and remember, she smokes and has birds that fly around in her house, and even if the were in the cage, they would bother my asthma and my C.O.P.D., so I followed up with a phone call when I got home and there was no answer.

Forgiveness is a big part of recovery. I have found that prayer is the healing solution, for me and the other person.

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Faith/Fear

Confident - having faith/Apprehensive - having fear

Don't like the label fear any more, I keep saying, I shouldn't feel that way, let go and let God and have faith. Having a little problem with it, because I keep forgetting that my son has his own Higher Power and it is up to him to turn to Him. All I can do is ask my God to intermediate.

If my son refuses to reach out and ask for help, there is nothing I can do.

My lesson the last few days has been, if you don't like where you are at, then turn it over, ask for help to change. Have faith that God knows what is Good for you and He will direct your path.

I am not sure if I haven't had a lot of Good Orderly Direction and I am suppose to just be or if I am just not listening and ignoring what I need to hear. So just trying to walk in faith, and what will be will be as long as I get out of the way and keep the faith.

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