After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?" :281:

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Those of us who worked at the front desk of a convention hotel in Williamsburg, Va., prided ourselves on making the guests feel special. When someone arrived at reception, credit card in hand, we would sneak a peek at it and address him by name.

Once during a particularly busy check-in, one of our guests presented a corporate credit card. "Welcome to Williamsburg, Mr. Bell," the desk clerk said.

"Oh, please," the man replied, "call me Taco." :11:

The temporary Sunday School teacher was struggling to open a combination lock on the supply cabinet. She had been told the combination, but couldn't quite remember it. Finally she went to the pastor's study and asked for help.
The pastor came into the room and began to turn the dial. After the first two numbers he paused and stared blankly for a moment. Finally he looked serenely heavenward and his lips moved silently. Then he looked back at the lock, and quickly turned to the final number, and opened the lock.
The teacher was amazed. "I'm in awe at your faith, pastor," she said.
"It's really nothing," he answered. "The number is on a piece of tape on the ceiling." :272:

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Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train humans to stand at the edge of the pool and throw them fish? :281:

Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

**I have been known to have this. lol :11:

Did you hear the fart joke?

It stinks!

:38:

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose. :11:

**********

How did The Great Pumpkin fix a hole in his pants?

With a pumpkin patch. :281:

Dear Abby,
I have always wanted to have my family history traced, but I can't afford to spend a lot of money to do it. Any suggestions?
Sam

Dear Sam,
Yes. Run for public office. :11:

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Dictionary Definition

Cat: 1. a lapwarmer with a built-in buzzer. 2. a four footed allergen. 3. a small, four-legged, fur-bearing extortionist. 4. a small, furry lap fungus. 5. a treat-seeking missile. 6. a wildlife control expert. 7. one who sleeps in old, empty pizza boxes. 8. a hair relocation expert. 9. an unprogrammable animal. :27:

Great Bumper Stickers
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Out of my mind. Be back in five minutes.

Great Definitions
Adult: a person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlour: a place where some women go to dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Committee: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Mosquito: An insect that makes flies look good after all.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Wrinkles: Something other people have (you have character lines). :281:

It was our second anniversary, and my husband sent me flowers at the office. He told the florist to write "Happy Anniversary, Year Number 2. Love, Don" on the card. I was thrilled with the flowers, but not so pleased about the card. It read "Happy Anniversary. You're Number 2." :blush:

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(And there's a lesson in this one too...-Chris)

Some Merchants in town posted inspirational messages in front of their stores. One read "The Worst Pest in the World Is a Pessimist." After several months I grew tired of the same sign. So I left a message on the owner's phone machine saying I liked the advice but felt I myself was becoming a pessimist, because the sign never changed. The next day the sign had changed. It now read "What Will Fault Finding People Do in Heaven?" :272:

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As I was browsing through an old newspaper, I read aloud to my wife a news item about men losing their memory cells faster than women do. "It must be true," she said. "This is the second time you've read that article to me." :281:

SYMPTOMS OF SENILITY VIRUS:

1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
17. Causes you to mis-number paragraphs
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished the :272:

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My husband, a forester, often has to consult property owners to determine boundary lines. Walking up a dirt road to question one such individual, he encountered signs that read: "No Trespassing," "Beware of Dog," and "Keep Out...This Means You!" Finally arriving at the door, he talked with the congenial, cooperative landowner.

When my husband was ready to leave, the man said to him, "Come and see me again sometime. I don't get many visitors up this way." :162: :170:

Don't Fart in Bed

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water
and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
It was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that
one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one
Thanksgiving she was in the kitchen making turkey for dinner and he was
upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep
and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his
shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor
laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me
and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in. :D

Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner
at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the
table as the food was being served. When little Logan
received his plate, he started eating right away.

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded
him.

"I don't need to," the little boy replied.

"Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer
before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is
Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!" :281:

What do you call it when an Eskimo's pants fall down?

Northern exposure!

A trio of old veterans were bragging and jokes about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall.

"My great grandfather, at age 13," one declared proudly, "was a drummer boy at Shiloh."

"Mine," boasts another, "went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn."

"I'm the only soldier in my family," confessed vet number three, "but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world."

"Really? What'd he do?" his friends wanted to know.

"Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old." :11:

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: "Send Michelle money every month."

A few days later my brother wrote: "Make payments on car for Jason."

Then my boyfriend joined in with: "Buy Tom a Jeep."

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: "Wean kids." :281: