Sometimes we need to remember WHAT the Rules of life really are.

1. Never give yourself a haircut after three alcoholic beverages of any kind.
2. You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40.
If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.
3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital
relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right".
4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
6. The only really good advice that your mother ever gave you was: "Go! You might meet somebody!"
7. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her û believe them.
8. Learn to pick your battles. Ask yourself,
"Will this matter one year from now?"
How about one month?
One week?
One day?
9. Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations!
You have another chance!
11. Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
12. Work is good, but it's not that important.
13. And finally, be really nice to your friends and family.
You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

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A little late for the season, but still funny!

What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
Two points, just like anyone else.

Why do rabbits do so well at school?
They're experts at multiplication.

How do bunnies stay healthy?
Eggercise

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

How do you catch a unique bunny?
UNIQUE UP ON IT!

What has big ears, brings Easter treats, and goes hippity-BOOM, hippity-BOOM?
The Easter Elephant.

Why do we paint Easter eggs?
Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

What is the Easter Bunny's favorite kind of music?
Hip hop!

Boy 1: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Boy 2: "I ate some Easter candy."
Boy 1: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Boy 2: "It will if it's your big brother's candy!"

Master:

The cat is despicable. She doesn't do any tricks and never comes when you call and I've been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts:

It's time to get rid of the cat.

Before the cat's arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling.

You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table - actually physically walk on the table! You don't yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don't see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me.


And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the
gritty pellets of meat by-products you bring home in the giant bags, right?

Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab - and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn't that
what's important?

Then there's play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a
big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven't I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they've driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can't be sanitary. And shouldn't she be declawed? I'm very concerned about the potential for damage to the
furniture and my nose.


Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the
bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet?

I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason.

I'm not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here's a note from the hamster:

To: Master of the house
From: Hamster
Subject: Cat

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work.

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality - TV show.

I don't understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I'm not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn't she ever get a bath?

She smells like saliva from licking her paws - you'd never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time!

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I'll be taking a nap and she'll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I'm too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense.

So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I'm sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet.

Yours truly,

T. Dog

SEX AT 83

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,
informing me that I can have sex at 83!

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at unit 81.....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

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The Blonde Kidnapper!

This blonde was really down on her luck, needed some big time cash quick so she decided that she was going to have to become a kidnapper.

She goes to a playground and grabs a ten year old boy. Then she writes out the ransom note, saying...

"I've kidnapped your son. Place ten thousand dollars in small bills in a paper bag and place it under the slide at the playground by 9 tomorrow morning."

....signed, "The Blonde Kidnapper"

She pins the ransom note to the boy's shirt and sends him home.

The next morning she shows up at the playground shortly after 9, and sure enough there's a paper bag under the slide. She opens the bag containing the ten thousand in cash and a note:

"How could you do such a thing to another blonde!?!"

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A little low on the hugs these days, that is why I like all the pictures available on line. ;)

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If you need a laugh today, this should take care of it and if it doesn't, nothing will.

Brain What???

https://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

Received from my friend in April 2013, one of over 1,000 e-mail I had sitting in my Yahoo a/c. I couldn't remember the password, I thought the account was closed. Not sure if my sites are open or closed, the joke just may be on me.

Live with a heart full of dreams
Love from the depth of your soul
Embrace every moment of laughter

God Bless You... Your Sister in CHRIST & Recovery ~ Dana

Always good to read again!

Almost embarrassed to post this, but can't resist. A lady told me this on the elevator this morning.

Why did the apple go to the doctor?

It wasn't peeling well!

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A young girl was watching her grandmother wipe cold cream all over her face.

She asked..."Why are you doing that?"

Grandma answered.."I want to make myself beautiful"

Then she wiped off the cold cream.

The little girl then said..."Are you giving up already?"

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